This last week I had the blessing of attending an online conference through A Woman Inspired. The One Marriage Conference was filled with amazing speakers and LOTS of fun chatting. I walked away with a new attitude towards my husband – and he is supremely grateful to the speakers and hostesses for putting on the conference.

My morning always starts with prayer over my family. In light of all that I have experienced through the week, a revelation struck me during that time. I have accepted that God put my children in my life for me to be a steward over. My job is to help them to grow to where God has designed them to be. Each morning I pray that God will help me be a good and faithful steward.

I am a partner with my husband, not his steward. My relationship with him has to be fundamentally different that it is with my children. Teaching my husband or leading him down the right path has to be left to the Father. It was never intended for me to do that job.

All of this occurred to me as I was looking at the bed that needed to be made in our bedroom.

Shoulder One: “If you keep making that bed for him then he will never be responsible for making it.”

Shoulder Two: “You are here to help and serve him, not to make him responsible.”

And the balance was revealed. I am to serve my husband (but not be a slave to my husband) and be his helpmate, cheerleader and all around support. I should be treating him just like I would any guest that ever walks in my home – better even!

The children ARE my responsibility, in that God has placed them here in my life to be a steward over. I have to help them discover their path to God’s purpose for their life. That IS my job.

I was already moving in this direction, but today it was made clear. I have to make time (over and above my children) for my husband. Without that time together, our partnership stagnates and we miss the connection and unity required for that equal yoke walk.

Where does your spouse fall in the schedule of your life?

I was that woman and my delusion was that my grandmother and mother in law had been the perfect wives and mothers and it was up to me to continue the journey. Forget supermom – I wanted the fairytale (you know, where the squirrels and birds would all help me out during the day).

The last 15 years of marriage and a house full of boys has taught me that all of the planning and good intentions in the world will never MAKE things go the way that I want. Life flows the way life flows and trying to pin it down or dam it up will only cause even more issues in the long run.

I am learning to live one moment at a time. The plans are still made, but they include time for life. The flexibility has provided me with more organization and more peace than I ever imagined possible.

Sometimes it is in the giving away the real possibilities take flight.

Tips for Letting Go

1. Always be prepared. The Boy Scouts have it right. There is no way to know for certain what will come up. Have an easy fix meal in the freezer, keep the house picked up (yet lived in), get ready for the day even if you have no place that you have to be because you might end up having to go.

2. Relax your standards. No one will ever do things the way that you do things so quit expecting it to be done your way. Let the kids find their own way to make a bed, clean a bathroom or weed the garden. Expect mistakes. Be willing to compromise your ways. Most important, take time every now and then to help them increase their expertise in the area.

3. Walk away. There are times when things will not get done. Remember that sheets washed last week will not cause the world to come to the end if they are not washed this week. A floor that does not get swept today can still be swept tomorrow. Be willing to let things go.

Life happens. Letting go of the need to control each and every step, moment and direction will give you the opportunity to enjoy the journey that you are on.

What to do?

The easy thing to do would be to curl up in a hot bath. That path calls out pretty loud when I have to repeat for the fourth time “quit playing with the balloons and get back to your school work.” I am also contemplating a fire. It might put off getting work done, but it would make me feel better.

Procrastination comes easy when circumstances exist. The biggest problem comes from the fact that circumstances ALWAYS exist. I have to choose to look past the problems, annoyances and circumstances to focus on the race that lies before me.

Keys to See Past Problems

1. Accept the fact that things and people are never perfect. Sometimes the flaws are what make the creation so unique. Maybe if I repeat it enough then I will be able to believe it.

2. Lower your voice when you are speaking. Getting upset and staying upset are difficult when you do not feed the emotions. Lowering your voice has the added benefit of making others pay attention.

3. Choose not to speak. A negative word, spoken in haste, cannot be taken back. It will also take around 20 positive comments to overcome that one negative IF it can ever be erased from the heart of the recipient.

4. Just do it. Those words are more than an ad campaign. They are words to live by. Doing the things that I need to do often help me feel better about everything else.

5. Put the word in your heart. Spending time throughout the day, engrossed in the Word of God, allows that Word to come up from your heart to your thoughts and your mouth just when you need them the most.

I can discover an excuse to avoid doing the things I know I am called to do and finding that excuse takes little (if any) effort. The challenge that I must overcome is choosing instead to push through to run with patience the race that is set before me.

My favorite days come when my children spring from the bed without prompting and eagerly tackle chores for the day. It just seems that those days are farther apart than I would like or maybe it is just that I enjoy those days so much that it FEELS like they are far apart.

The difference between the days I parrot and the days I parent comes down to my own attitude. Even on those days when the kids jump up and get going, it is not all of them. Even on those days when I have to repeat the requests, it only hinders my progress if I am not doing what I should have been doing any way.

Change from a Parrot to a Parent

1. Do what you need to do. The more I stay on task then the easier it is for me to get everyone else moving along.

2. Communicate what is needed and necessary. There is a chore chart on the refrigerator as well as a menu for the week. Everyone can see exactly what needs to be done and what is expected for them.

3. Change it up. Lower your voice when speaking or just go in the room and stand there for a few minutes. Changing the way I address a situation is the quickest way to get the attention of a bunch of boys!

The sun came up and dragged the rest of the folks out of bed. The day continued despite the fact that I had to ask them to move along more than once. My attitude is still as bright as the sun and even having to repeat “finish your school work” yet again is not going to dampen my day.

The difference between parroting and parenting is really the state of mind that I have that moment. Today I will parent.

“To tell you the truth, I know of nothing that I am passionate about.”

Words come easily for me so it is the rare occasion when I am speechless. This was one of those times. What do you say to someone whose discouragement has become so large that the horizon or even the hope of a horizon is hidden from view?

Helping a Discourage Husband

1. Do all that you can but realize you are never able to do it all. Be supportive. Listen with an open heart. Speak when asked to speak. But accept that there is nothing you can do that will fix the situation.


2. Stay on task. Keep doing the things that you know to do. When those around you are standing still or moving backwards it can be tough to go forwards. Keep pushing on – farther in and further up.

3. Be encouraged. The last thing a discouraged man needs around is a discouraged woman. Find the positive side of the tracks and stay on it!


4. Keep it low key. Having a happy, positive and optimistic person around can be discouraging to someone that is NOT in that happy place (according to my own husband it can also be annoying). Try to keep the overflowing joy in check – at least externally.

Discouragement crowds a lot of homes at this time. Tough financial times combine with holiday gift giving to create unbelievable tension. The magic formula for fixing a discouraged spouse does not exist. But keeping your own life on track and being supportive will help you help him.