There is a movie out with Jim Carey called “the Yes Man.” I have no idea what it’s about or how good the movie is or isn’t, but I get the idea that he is saying yes to everything. I’m tackling that in my own life. It may sound crazy but it’s changing my attitude and changing the attitude of the people around me.

1. I’m saying yes to my husband – any time of the day. He’s a much happier man than he was just a few weeks back. And he’s grinning a lot more than I’ve seen him do since we were dating.

2. I’m saying yes to the invitations – I’m keeping my calendar handy so that I don’t OVER schedule but unless there is an absolute conflict I am saying yes to the party invites, the play days and what ever else comes along.

3. I’m saying yes to muse – no matter what is on television I’m writing and amazingly I have yet to run into any conflicts. Apparently my muse wants a break just about the time the kids need mom or someone else needs me ;).

4. I’m saying yes to the person that I once was – the extrovert who always knew where the party was mostly because I was the one throwing the party. My husband and my family deserve the whole me and not the one that I’ve created because of the baby weight or other concerns.

5. I’m saying yes to new friends and to old – when someone invites me to go to lunch or have dinner then I make the date right then. All of our lives are so busy that if we don’t make definite plans right now then we likely never will.

Give it a try. Say yes to all the things that come into your life. Say yes to your spouse, your children and the opportunities that you have been letting pass up until now. You might be as amazed as I am at the difference one word can make I your life and in the lives of all those around you.

There are days when I want to choke my husband. There are days when I know he feels the same way about me. Yesterday was one of those days – on my part and on his. We were just having a hard time coming to a place of agreement.

He was complaining about a situation and I “suggested” that if he didn’t like the way things were going then he should take up the banner and run it himself. This is about the conversation that followed by kind and informative comment:

“I don’t want to run it myself – I’ve already gotten enough training that I’m not using why should I get more and spend more?”

“Then be thankful that someone else is doing it even if they aren’t doing it YOUR way.”

“I think it’s a good thing that they are doing it and I hope that they are really doing it for the right reasons,” pained sigh and short grunt.

“All I want you to do is try to find the positive in the situation.”

“What if there isn’t a positive.”

“There is always a positive.”

“But what if I don’t see a positive?”

“But there is always a positive.”

“Do you really think that you can make me see the positive?”

“I fully believe that if I say it often enough eventually it will sink into your head.” No sarcasm at all in this statement.

“But didn’t we both agree that the Holy Spirit is the only one that can truly change a man?”

“Yes honey, you are right.”

I know that I can’t change the man that God has put into my life – no matter how simple the idea I have might be or how ridiculous his argument. He was right that the Holy Spirit is the only one that can make the change.

How to Encourage the Man in Your Life

Several years ago I stumbled across the book “How to Encourage the Man in Your Life” by H. Norman Wright. It was all about what I can do to better me so that I can better my relationship with the men in my life – not just my husband, but my children, my father and my brothers.

The book had such an impact in my life that I have continued to buy copies and share with every woman I know that has a man in her life (and that desires to improve that relationship because YOU have to be ready to change). He is blunt. He is sometimes a bit rude. And his ideas often leave you wondering “but what about HIM?”

In the end it is all about accepting the fact that you can’t change him no matter how annoying or ridiculous. But that by choosing to walk a better path you alone can make things better – at least in your own life – but most likely in the relationship as a whole.

I still haven’t uncovered “How to Encourage the Woman in Your Life,” but when I do I will buy it up and stuff a few stockings with the book.

Even when you are just trying to make things better, it is impossible to make him change. Do yourself a favor and find new ways to encourage the man in your life instead of trying to change him. It will most likely lead him to change but it will definitely make your life easier and more joy filled.

Being a good wife is important to me. I want my husband to shout my praises at the city gates. On good days I feel like he doesn’t even see me. On the bad days I feel like I am failing him in every direction.

That’s how it was.

Several years ago I came to the understanding that I can not make my husband happy. It doesn’t matter what I do or how well I do it. My husband’s happiness is not in my hands. At the same time I can not make my husband do what is right or change him in any way for that matter. That was the biggest realization.

It turns out that God is in control. Go figure!

I started concentrating on my own behaviors, habits and attitudes. It helped with my husband, for a season. He slips back into the old days now and then. The great thing is that I don’t beat myself up when he does. I know that I am doing what I am suppose to be doing, and his mood swings offer me the opportunity to check and see if any directional changes need to be made in my own life.

I AM a good wife. It is through my relationship with God that I am growing to do all that He has called me to do. Budgeting my energy, time, finances and other resources allows me to pick up, clean up, straighten up, fix up and on and on until all of the to-dos on my list are done.

It was the relationship with God that allowed the Proverbs 31 Woman to be as amazing as she was. My strength, wisdom and abilities are not enough. It is the power of the Holy Spirit in me that makes it possible.

Tuesday is my Positive Moms get together. We aren’t all positive moms, but we are all working together to get there. Today was amazing. I felt refreshed and ready to take on the world when I got home. I even took time to sit with some of the other mothers for lunch – reaching out to form new friendships.

It was after I got home that I realized the joy might be fleeting. I walked into a house that was no worse than when I left it – but no better off either. The house still needed to be cleaned – floors picked up and swept and shelves cleared of the mounting clutter. T the outside needed to be picked up and the tree the came down 4th of July is still blocking the road and calling out to me to be cut up (can you hear it?). Don’t even get me started on the 10 boxes of iris rhizomes that aren’t being potted or planted or the garden that will have to be baled next week if something isn’t done. The kids were still doing school work (which should have been completed before lunch – at least they had lunch though). And for the icing my darling hubby informed me he would be going away for three days, - to the beach, for fishing and he doesn’t even LIKE to fish.

Instead of focusing on all of the negatives, I picked up my laptop and hid away in my bedroom with my MP3 player going. I’ve opened the curtains and I’m looking out onto the dry creek bed. There are only a few songs on my player, but I’m listening to a couple of songs over and over and over.

Through the lyrics, I keep remembering how my morning and early afternoon went. The feelings and emotions that I embraced during the group and afterwards at lunch are carrying me through this time when I want to just curl up and say I quit. And once again God has me in His arms.

This email just came through: The Lord is good, a strong hold in the day of trouble; and He knows them that TRUST in Him!–Nahum 1:7

Somehow, knowing that He has my best interest at heart and that HE is my strong hold makes it so much easier for me to find rest in the joy that He has been pouring over me all day – despite the circumstances that I know must face.

Times can be hard for a wife whose husband is not happy. The reasons may not even be clear. All she knows is that when he comes home the mood changes. That has happened in my own home more than once. Normally I turn to God for strength to get through, but today I had a revelation that I want to share.

An expert in family counseling was discussing how men in today’s society are programmed to be failures. He said that success is defined by extreme wealth and fame. Just doing what is right – being a good provider, a good father, a good husband and a good person – is not enough.

He also pointed out that the negative feelings the man has towards himself will fall over onto his spouse. “What kind of judgment can she have if she chose me?” So the praises and recognitions that a wife gives to a struggling husband fall on deaf ears at best and make things more difficult at worst.

When your husband hits a bad spot or if he’s been in that bad spot for a long time, it’s time to invest in knee pads. Take the complaints to God. Talk to Him about all the things that you long for and desire for your husband.

Did you notice I said FOR your husband and not FROM your husband? Take the I out of the equation completely. Pray for your husband to be the kind of father that he longs to be. Pray that your husband have good, Godly male friends that he can lean on and trust. Pray that your husband finds the peace that passes all understanding.

Then spend a little time thanking God for all the wonderful things that your husband is. Thank God for that special look that your husband can give you – even from across the room – that makes your whole body get a little flushed. Thank God for the special way your husband reads to your children at night. Thank God for the gift that is your husband.

Spending time lifting your husband up will help you deal with him when he is down. You don’t have to tell him you are doing it. Just doing it will change the way you act and respond to him and that will make the difference.

Annoyed, irritated, agitated, aggravated, disgruntled, frustrated and even mad – these are all terms that I could use to describe my current state of mind, but I think you will appreciate a new term I have come up with that incorporates them all:

HUSBAND

Don’t get me wrong. Most of the time my husband is terrific. He is a great father that takes his kids to practice and stays to watch them. Housecleaning does not make him physically ill. And even diapers are not off limits to this guy (who was brought up an only child and never experienced diapers until after our kids were born).

The problem is that when he misses the mark he REALLY misses the mark.

As a Proverbs 31 woman it is my purpose to encourage my husband but when the mark is off it can be a difficult process. My flesh wants to say one thing but my spirit holds me back (because it will do nothing helpful in the situation besides making me feel better temporarily).

It seems that these times always coincide with a certain time of the month. You know that time when you are less poised, less patience, more tired and much easier to provoke. It’s like strife has my schedule and knows just when to push my buttons.

Since I know the time is near and I can see the water starting to boil, I’m going to do just what I would do if I knew I was going to face traffic or a long wait at the doctor’s office. I’m going to create a plan of attack.

1. I’m going to set aside some time each day for me to relax and talk to God. He sympathizes with my feelings in the situation and has a way of giving me the heart to find hope.
2. Get ahead. The week before is not the time to procrastinate. I need to get as much done as I physically can so there is less on my plate to deal with.
3. Keep to a schedule. Know what needs to be done and when it needs to be done so that I’m not fretting over times or situations.
4. Freeze dinner. Have some quick fix meals in the freezer ready to thaw and eat. Not having to cook will release some stress (and free up some time).
5. Use paper plates and cups. Tell the kids you are having an indoor picnic (even eat on a blanket in the floor if you want). You’ll have less clean up and be able to act like a kid for a few minutes during the day.
6. Avoid assigning jobs. If you normally have to explain to everyone what chores they need to do, let it go for a week and just do what you can do. Not cooking and eating off paper plates will cut down on the chores you’d normally do and letting things go for a couple of days will not bring the world to a halt!

Everyone gets upset with their spouse now and then (although sometimes it’s more now than its then). The key is to be prepared for the situations so that you can handle them with grace and patience when they do come up.

Oprah had another show on today about de-cluttering your life. I was taking a break, and I thought it would make a good choice for letting my mind relax and recharge (and those clutter shows, particularly with Peter Walsh) are a great motivator for me.

I was enjoying the show quite a bit and even making a few comments to the TV. Then my husband starts yelling “amen’s” from the other room and I just want to throw a shoe at his head.

Our home is NOT cluttered, at least not to the degree you see on all the different shows. We have the odd box of clothes here and there, but mainly because there is no place to store them because my husband complains any time he has to go into the attic.

I was about to start listing all the wonderful accomplishments I’ve made over the last few years - anything to justify my feelings for my husband’s attitude. But the truth is that I don’t have my home where I want it to be. There are still things that I want to release so that I have more space (and more money when the stuff is sold).

It’s not right that my husband (who is in no way perfect himself AND who has his own stuff that he doesn’t deal with) makes the comments he does. Even if it’s about other people and their homes and not about me, I can still tell that he is talking at me – if that makes sense.

It’s not fair that I have struggled to change my habits and my thinking and my actions so that my family can benefit, and my husband still sees the negative.

There are a lot of things the situation may be, but the truth is that just doesn’t matter. It all comes back to me. I have to do what I know to do AND I can’t let people, or situations, or television shows suck my energy away. In the end, one excuse is just as good as the next.

So, I didn’t throw my shoe or throw my husband out. Instead, I got up and started back doing what I should have been doing in the first place. Working, writing, and making my dreams come true.

There are a lot of theories about how to be a good wife. Some are distorted interpretations of one religions doctrine or another. Some are tradition handed down for generations without any rhyme or reason (or for reasons that have long been forgotten). The best way to be a good wife is to be a good you.

1. Stop right now trying to change him. There is only one person you can change in the relationship and that is YOU. Work on making you the best you that you can be. Keep it “on the down-low.” You’re change should be obvious because of what he sees, hears and feels not because you show him how you are trying to change. A good wife does not nag (in the end it is just a waste of breath anyway).

2. Focus on you – when it comes to change. Being a good wife means that you have to work hard to correct negative patterns and habits in YOUR life (I was EXTREMELY sarcastic when I first got married – often to the point of hurting others. I have had to learn that words do hurt).

3. Focus on him – when it comes to needs and wants. If you will put others first (but not to the detriment of your health) with a joyful heart then you will see a drastic change in the world around you. Sometimes being a good wife means sacrificing a little of you for him (and them when children come along).

4. Support his dreams. If he wants to quit working a “real” job and start his own business then sit down and work out a plan with him that will give him that opportunity. He needs your support to be truly successful. There is a balance for a good wife between supporting dreams and discouraging foolishness and you have to learn to find that balance and approach the situation with tact. But every dream deserves a chance to live.

5. Speak positive things over his life. Every wife gets frustrated at times and that is understandable, but 99% of what you say about (and around) your husband should be good, positive and uplifting.

6. Being a wife is a job – think of it in that terms. Work hard to do what is expected of you in the relationship. Ask your husband to write down what he expects. You write down what you expect. Work out a list that you can both be happy about from day to day. Remember that everyone comes into marriage with different expectations and part of being a good wife is blending those expectations so that the two can become one.

7. A good wife will create a zone of safety and comfort in the home. Make it a noise free zone when the hubby first gets in. Have a project or activity set up for the kids so that they can get out of the house (or off to another room) after greeting dad.

8. Take pride in what you are doing. Being a good wife if one of the most valuable things a married woman can do. Stop making excuses for why things aren’t the way you want and start working right now to get them that way.

9. Find the joy in being a good wife. There are positive things to say about every job. Find your silver linings and focus on those when things get tough, mundane, or just tiring.

10. Value yourself – no matter what others might say or do. Remember that being a good wife will help you create a foundation for your marriage, your children’s future and your own well being. Forget the experts or the politically correct and look to your own heart to determine what being a good wife is all about.

Being a good wife is a growing process. It is not something that you fall into just because you say “I do.” Each day, each situation and each time you turn around you will find that being a good wife requires flexibility, compromise and change. Take the challenge and make your family’s future one that will keep you smiling.

We have a mixed marriage – I am an optimist, my husband is half pessimist half pragmatist. I am a reforming clutter bug. My husband is obsessive about having no clutter (and just as insistent that everything is MINE that is “cluttering” up the house). I am a DIYer and my husband doesn’t even want to change the curtains himself. I come from a large family and my husband was an only child.

One main thing we both have in common is that we are as stubborn an all get out.

It’s not always easy to live together, but we have made the commitment and we are sticking to it. We both have changed over out fourteen year marriage, although I always feel like I’m the one who changes the most. There are days when it would be easier to walk away, but that stubborn streak makes us stay in and work it out.

Marriage is work. The best blessing I received growing up was the understanding that it’s not about feelings or emotions. Marriage is a covenant and that means you are in it for life – through the good and the bad (and on the bad days that all it’s going to feel like you’ve ever had).

There are a lot of other things I wish someone had brought up to me long before I got married. Two stand out more than any others.

1. Someone should have taught me how to clean a house. Thank goodness for Heloise, who published a book about what to clean and when. I discovered it in the library, and it helped me get on my way.
2. Someone should have explained that you live off just one income and bank the second one. That way you have money for buying a house or having kids.

Many things come to mind about overcoming differences and making a marriage work. No one could have told me all of them – no matter how much pre-marriage counseling we might have attended. The truth is that things are still coming up that we have to work around or through. As we both grow and change (sometimes together but usually at different rates) it causes conflicts and confusion that requires compromise and lots of patience.

Marriage is the ultimate test of my DIY skills. It is a project that requires constant refiguring, regular renovation, and the consideration of opinions outside my own. Meeting that challenge is something that I am looking forward to for the rest of my life.